last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
