so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
3pm strippers are depressing
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
