According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
