thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
