Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
