they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
