Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
