Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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