Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
