Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize