I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
