The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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