got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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