I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
