I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My cat gives me a boner
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
