Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
