My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Randomize
