Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
