I think I won the penis lottery.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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