Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize