either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
