True but thats because hes a fetus.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
