Soap is not a condiment
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
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