Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
