I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
