You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
