just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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