Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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