dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
