did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
