Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
