is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
