pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize