I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
