I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
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