my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize