Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
