By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
