When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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