i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
