I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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