Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize