this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
