why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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