i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
