you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
