Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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