3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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