i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
someone owes me an orgasm
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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