it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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