I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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