Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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