Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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