I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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