Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I CAN MOONWALK!
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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