Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
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