becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
