What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Randomize
