just come out here and I will go home with you...
babies were throwing up all over the place
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
